Dealing with Bullies

I was fortunate enough to have made a contribution in an article in True Love magazine (January 2015). In the article, "Get them ready to succeed", Ziphezinhle Msimango incorporated some of my comments in her article:

Dealing with Bullies

"The most important way to bully-proof your child is to build up her self-esteem. Educational Psychologist Christelle du Plessis from the Baby and Child Wellness Centre says, "This will not only assist your child in dealing with bullies, but will prevent her from becoming one. If your child has a healthy self-esteem, she will carry herself with confidence, which will deter bullies as they pick on younger and weaker kids. It is very helpful to play games with your child where you can act out a scenario in which you are being bullied. By playing it out and discussing it, your child will become empowered to deal with situations that will otherwise be unfamiliar to her," she adds. 

Other ways to to build self-esteem include encouraging your little one to take part in group sports like soccer or tennis and leisure activities like joining a local club. This will benefit her physically, emotionally and mentally. 

If playing soccer is not for your child, consider something like Monkeynastix or take your little introvert for speech and drama lessons. For the music lover, take her for some dancing lessons- modern dancing or hip-hop lessons will help develop her self-esteem. 

Sometimes children, especially older ones, may not be willingly share that they are being bullied at school. It is important that you are able to spot signs early. If your child comes home with inexplicable bruises and scratches, talks about hating school or even worse, refuses to go to school, there may be a bullying situation that you need to investigate. Talk to your child to see if she can give you information or speak to her teacher about your concerns". 

Help! My kind onderpresteer!

Ek het die afgelope tyd verskeie baie bekommerde ouers in my kantoor gehad omdat hulle kinders se prestasie nie na verwagting is nie. Hulle weet hul kind is intelligent, maar dit kind se toets en eksamen punte reflekteer dit nie. Dis veral vir ouers ontstellend wanneer die skool hulle inroep  en die klasonderwyser(s) volhou dat iets gedoen  moet word. Ouers se angsvlakke styg deur die dak. Wat nou gemaak? Hoe hanteer jy dit? Is dit dan nie vir die skool om te weet wat om te doen nie?

Dis hier waar jy moet kalm bly, want die eerste ding wat meeste ouers dink is dat die kind lui is. Gevolglik word die kind op die spreekwoordelike “rooi tapyt” geplaas, en moet die kind verduidelik waarom sy/haar punte so swak is. Die probleem word gesoek by die televisie, playstasion en rekenaarspeletjies, selfoongesprekke, ongewenste maats- om maar ‘n paar te noem. Jou kind voel in ‘n hoek gedryf en baklei verbete terug, of kruip net nog meer in haar dop. Dis nag in jou huis….. Dikwels is ouers kwaad vir die skool. Doen die onderwysers dan nie hul werk nie? Klink dit bekend?

Deur met jou kind te baklei of om die onderwysers aan te val, gaan sake net vererger. Dis belangrik om die oorsaak van die probleem te vind. In 98% van die gevalle, weet jou kind self ook nie wat die probleem is nie, of waar dinge verkeerd geloop het nie. Die oomblik wat jou kind se onderwyser ‘n bekommernis uitspreek, of dat jy bekommerd is oor jou kind se vordering, is dit belangrik om hulp te soek. Jy sien, hoe gouer ‘n probleem onderskep word en die oorsaak gevind kan word, hoe gouer kan die probleem aangespreek word. Wanneer kinders ‘n probleem ervaar met hulle skoolwerk, is daar altyd ‘n rede.

Ek het onlangs ‘n ouer in my kantoor gehad met ‘n kind wat swak presteer het en die jaar moet herhaal. Die ouer het gewonder of die kind nie net lui is nie. Sy het ook vertel dat haar kind die afgelope aantal jare verskeie onderwysers gehad het wat gekom en gaan het. Dis min dat kinders, veral laerskool kinders net lui is. Dis gewoonlik meer van ‘n gebrek aan motivering omdat hulle sukkel met die skoolwerk. Kind wonder dikwels waarom sal hy probeer as hy dink hy gaan in elk geval misluk?

Meeste van die tyd is daar ‘n goeie en geldige rede vir akademiese prestasie wat agteruit gaan, veral as dit ‘n skielike agteruitgang is. Hier is ‘n lys van moontlike oorsake:

• Die volume van die werk het so toegeneem dat die kind nie kan byhou nie
• Die kind het ‘n stadige werkspoed in die klas en raak verlore
• Die kind se konsentrasie fluktueer
• Jou kind is angstig in die klas en bang om vir hulp te vra
• Daar is ‘n leerprobleem waarvan julle nie weet nie
• Jou kind word geboelie by die skool en hy weet nie hoe om dit te hanteer nie
• Groepsdruk: hoe balanseer jou kind sy lewe
• Jou kind weet nie hoe om te studeer nie
• Jou kind ervaar eksamenangs
• Jou kind het nie ‘n toekomsvisie nie en is angstig oor die toekoms
• Daar is verhoudingsprobleme binne of buite die gesin
• Jou kind voel depressief
• Daar was ‘n verlies in die familie- ‘n familielid, vriend geliefde troeteldier het gesterf
• Die kind is deurmekaar met ongure vriende of dwelms
• Jou kind weet nie hoe om sy nuwe lyf met al die hormoon veranderinge te hanteer nie
• Jou kind sukkel om vriende te maak
• Daar is angs rondom ‘n operasie of siekte
• Ouers het onrealistiese verwagtinge van hul kind.
• Julle sit aanmekaar vas
• Daar is ‘n probleme tussen die ouers
• Die gesin is deur ‘n egskeiding

Die lys kan aangaan!  Ons is komplekse wesens en ons hele menswees is inmekaar verweef. Wanneer daar ‘n probleem in een area van ons lewe is- byvoorbeeld wanneer jou kind depressief of gedemotiveerd voel, gaan die beide sy skoolwerk en sy verhoudings beinvloed. Of as jou kind geboelie word by die skool, word sy veiligheid bedreig en is hy angstig sodat hy nie in die klas of tuis kan konsentreer nie.

Wanneer jy bekommerd is oor jou kind, kan dit baie help om met ‘n professionele persoon te gesels. As opvoedkundige sielkundige spesialiseer ek en my kollegas in kinders van alle ouderdomme (voorskool, laerskool en hoërskool; hoe hulle leer, hul emosionele welsyn, ontwikkeling en ouerskap. Onthou, dis gewone mense met gewone probleme wat ‘n opvoedkundige sielkundige gaan spreek. Moet dus nie bang wees om ‘n afspraak te maak nie. Ouers voel dat hulle ondersteun word en kry weer nuwe moed omdat hulle versterk voel wanneer hulle met ‘n sielkundige konsulteer.

Wanneer jy ‘n opvoedkundige sielkundige (kindersielkundige) gaan spreek, kan jy die volgende verwag:

• Sy gaan eers met julle, die ouers wil gesels gedurende die eerste afspraak. Gedurende hierdie afspraak kan jy al jou bekommernisse met haar deel. Wees eerlike en sê dit soos dit is. Die sielkundige kan net ten volle help as sy al die inligting het. Sy gaan baie vrae vra oor jou kind se ontwikkeling, skool vordering, ens.
• Sy gaan waarskynlik ‘n assessering wil doen. Dis ekwivalent aan ‘n dokter se ondersoek. Sy het inligting nodig om te sien waar die probleme lê. Hierdie assessering vind tydens ‘n opvog afspraak of afsprake plaas. Tydens die assessering ondersoek sy die volgende:

1. Jou kind se sterk- en swak-punte; intellektuele vermoë
2. Basiese skolastiese vaardighede (lees, spelling, skryf, wiskunde)
3. Emosionele welstand

• Hierdie assessering duur gewoonlik 4-ure. Indien dit ‘n jonger kind is, of ‘n kind wat nie lank aanmekaar kan konsentreer nie, mag die assesering oor meer as een afspraak strek. Wanneer sy hierdie inligting ingewin het, kan sy advies gee en jou help om jou kind en sy probleme beter te verstaan. 
• ‘n Opvolg afspraak word gemaak om die bevindinge met jou te bespreek. Dit kan jou help om ingeligte besluite oor jou kind se huidige situasie en toekoms te maak. Sy sal ook aanbevelings maak en verwysings gee na ander professionele mense (neuroloog, arbeidsterapeut, oogkundige, spraakterapeut, psigiater, ens) soos nodig. 
• Jy kan ook vra vir ‘n skriftelike verslag wat al die bevindinge en aanbevelings bevat. Hierdie assessering is vir twee jaar geldig. 

Jy, jou kind en die sielkundige werk as ‘n span saam om antwoorde te vind en planne te maak sodat jou kind weer akademies en andersins opdreef kan kom. Die doel is om jou kind weer gelukkig en in beheer van haar sake te sien. Dis belangrik dat jou kind deel van die proses is, want dis hy wat die werk moet doen. Dis dus belangrik dat hy verstaan dat hierdie ‘n positiewe proses is om hom te help. Dis is ook ‘n proses waartydens jy ‘n beter begrip en insig kan kry ten opsigte van jou kind se intellektuele, skolasties en emosionele funksionering en behoeftes.

Dis byna seker dat ouers iewers tydens hul kinders se skool loopbaan ‘n bekommernis gaan ervaar ten opsigte van hul kind se akademiese, sosiale en/of emosionele wesyn. Jy is nie alleen nie, daar is hulp en ondersteuning beskikbaar!

What's the hype about school readiness?

When our children are born, we have certain dreams and expectations for them. At birth, we quickly count their toes and fingers to ensure that they have ten of each… we also welcome those first cries as it tells us that our child is “normal”.

We do not skip those all important doctor’s - and clinic visits to make sure their growth and development continues as expected. We quietly compare our child to our friends’ children and other kids of the same age at playschool.

So when it is time for one of the biggest milestones in our child’s life- to enter grade 1, why do so few patents make sure that their child is really ready for school? Most parents only rely on the preschool or nursery school to confirm that their child is ready for big school.  Also, when nursery schools tell parents that they have concerns about the child’s readiness for the challenges of primary school, why do some parents veto this recommendation and still send their child to school?

It is important that your child’s developmental milestones in all areas are met for him to enter primary school. This means that his physical, perceptual, cognitive/intellectual, social, emotional and language developmental milestones are of such a nature that your child will be able to cope with the challenges presented to him in grade 1.

Children develop at their own pace due to genetic attributes and environmental influences. It means that each child will attain their milestones at different times and at different rates. If your child is not school ready, even though age wise he should be ready, and you send him to school, you might be setting him up for failure.

My son was born in November, and the year before he was due to go to grade one, I realised that he was emotionally still very immature. He was still very much geared to play and found it very frustrating to sit still and focus on desk work in preschool. He was hyperactive, but this was not my only problem. He was also teary and cried if things did not go his way. Intellectually he was able to do what was expected of him, but emotionally I thought it would be a challenge for him to cope with grade 1.

I took him for a school readiness assessment and the Educational Psychologist confirmed my concerns. We then decided to keep him back a year. I had to apply to the Department of Education to allow me to keep him in preschool for another year. We submitted her report and the Department accepted the recommendation. In my son’s case, it was a good decision. I feel we gave him all the benefits that he needed to have a happy and success school career.

So when is your child ready to enter grade 1 successfully? Many people think it is an age thing. If the child is six he/she is ready to enter school. This is not true, as you could see from my son’s story. Others think that when the child has acquired a certain range of skills, the child is ready to enter school. It is not good enough to only look at certain aspect in your child’s development, You need to look at the child holistically. It is therefore vital to consider the child’s development in all aspects, including emotional wellbeing, to ensure that your child is set for success when entering school.

Your child’s school career will be a long one, and therefore it is often best not to hurry things. Help your child to be set for success by giving him all the advantages possible. Information is is still powerful in helping you to make good, informed decisions.